Deep Dive Discipline
Often, we find ourselves as Christians laughing at Peter for having doubts when he answered Jesus's call to walk out to him during the storm after he requested, that Jesus would request, him to do so (Please read Matthew 14:22-33)*. Peter had the audacity to question the pure intention of the grant of the request. Fear (Matthew 14:26) had him and with that questioning mindset, he started to sink.
Shame on your house Peter!
But wait don’t you...?
Cause I have.
At least I know during that season in my life with my divorce. I was being, Peter. I asked God so many times if this marriage was for me. I searched for the answers I wanted. I searched for the reason why God would not want me to get a divorce. The word "searched" is honestly being used out of context here. Not even the best words to describe my tomfoolery.
Baby, I was a Huntress.
I was like Abraham in Sodom asking God to find at least one characteristic of an Ephesians 5 man within him for the sake of me and our marriage! (Genesis 18:16-33). My God did not fail me... as a matter of fact...
It took me 3 years, 29 days, 72 hours, 14 minutes, and 9 seconds to accept he was never the man God hadn’t found.
(Amen for the patience of God, am I right?)
May the infamous prayer echo into eternity, “God please confirm that this is my purpose let me hear you, oh Lord.”
When I said “purpose” chile, it was code for “save my marriage”.
For God knows our true heart when we pray (Hinse why it was never answered).
The more I prayed that prayer my thoughts did not change (at least for a while).
I will spare you the details of the downfall of the marriage, but the realization that God was never in the marriage, to begin with. I jumped out of the boat and into marriage when Jesus didn't call me to do so.
(Trust me, I did have a feeling not to get married (but alas I am grown). It wasn’t my cold feet or trauma telling me not to marry him, but it was God.)
For the last 5 years, I had been drowning in a purpose that was not my own.
I have relived the moments when I asked God to “Save me from my marriage” because the tears wouldn’t stop; the abuse (emotional and mental) wouldn't stop. I leaned on my own understanding of God's word. The confusion that the Devil brought had me in a chokehold. God’s word was so good and clear about marriage, but the husband’s treatment wasn’t matching.
While I wailed, “Why, God” or “How much longer must I go” in the shower with tears (from time to time). I would become more understanding of Jobs’ wife and why she fixed her mouth to say, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9) because my faithlessness was disguised as grief.
She possibly did not have a relationship with God like Job.
When you do not have a strong relationship with God then you may not hold his word in your heart. As John 1:1-3 says, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him, nothing was made that has been made.” (I am just typing from experience).
Despite the popular advice from The Cult, “God hates divorce” or “This is the gift of long-suffering”. It was God calling me because he never left me, the voice was quiet, yet gentle (think Tabitha Brown). The Devil came and attempted to get me to stay, but before I left, I heard a whisper, “What if you’re wrong about the divorce”. With all the strength I had with a blood-curdling scream, I bellowed “Get behind me, Satan”.
I stepped out of the boat.
A year ago, now, I had not one soul pouring into me, but that’s because I did not need anyone else. When my eyes would wander off God the fear set in, and panic flooded my mind. I had to refocus by going to the word for he is God and God is good.
God is not worried about when you step out of the boat. What God cares about is that you obeyed.
Now, I know obedience is true discipline.
*I encourage you to always read the word yourself and pray for the Lord's understanding and never your own.
