The Holy Hitman
Jump man, jump man this girl's up to something. I am sure this is what the Holy Spirit prayed on my behalf.
God saw my heart, so my prayers went unanswered. Mind you I have been praying to God about “saving” my marriage for some time and then it switched to desperately wanting to escape.
Today in church our pastor did a sermon on the community of the church. He used James 5:19, which reads:
“My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins”
From this sermon, the Holy Spirit instructed me to flip to James 1:26:
“Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless”
This led me to my notes on Proverbs 17:28, which reads:
“Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues”
So, far from my awakened walk in Christ, the brick of conviction had hit me. That is being kind, but it was more of a Peine forte et dure. With each word the pastor spoke, that the Holy Spirit poured into him by God’s direction, had placed a heavier weight onto my heart. By praying Psalm 54:
“Save me, O God, by your name; vindicate me by your might. Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth. Arrogant foes are attacking me; ruthless people are trying to kill me—people without regard for God. Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Let evil recoil on those who slander me; in your faithfulness destroy them. I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, Lord, for it is good. You have delivered me from all my troubles, and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.”
Then within the same breath, I would not only hope he stepped on a crack*. I truly wanted to gloat that at least my man followed the word of God and that is what saved our marriage.
Yup, go back to read that fleshy mess again. And again. One more time for you Pharisees at the ready.
Now before you get those “Twitter fingers”. Please pray because know the Lord is working on us both every day in every way.
I have been using God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as hitmen. Asking God to bring them to church to shame them for what they have done to me *internally screams*.
Instead, I should have taken the Joseph mindset (please read Genesis 37-50). He was thrown into a pit by his brothers (except Reuben), sold into slavery, lied on, imprisoned for at least 2 years, interpreted a dream for the same man that had him thrown in prison, then was hired as his right-hand, the brothers come back begging for food, tries to catch them in a lie, bring the little bother back and then his Daddy comes and all is good. Please note a lot was missing and it is said this unfolded over ten years.
For me, the moral of the story is not only to understand the mysteries of how the will of God works out for the greater good always but if we rebuke those out of anger, rather than kindness, then we help them miss the opportunity to have the courage to repent. And in addition to having the same courage to forgive.
I was taking revenge because the Devil had convinced me that the hurt needed to be rectified by my newfound relationship with Christ. All because I knew the word for myself and it could bring conviction, but it wasn’t conviction that I was after... but shame.
I was foolish to hope that God would act swiftly and with justice for the way I saw fit, all because he said, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:19
Apologies to the others that I convinced that the conversations of fellowship were rooted in the fact that I wanted them to use the word to shame them as well. Now I was thinking the Devil and his goons were working on me in another way, but it was by trusting my heart. Just as Proverbs 3:5-6 reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”.
The Holy Trinity didn’t need me as a driver for the drive-by... the fact is that.
God doesn’t need me unless he calls, and it is my duty to obey the calling.
*Step on your crack you break your mama's back (if you aren’t from the 90’s you won’t understand).
